Sunless Sea

At first, the sea will still be the colour of night behind glass,
but then we'll see the light below.

The colour of the water will change:
rain-wet slate,
then darkest jade,
then deep rich green.

Green as fresh emeralds.
Green as remembered rivers.

Anywhere on this road (Lhasa de Sela)

I love this hour

When the tide is just turning

There will be an end

To the longing and yearning

If I can stand up

To angels and men

I'll never get swallowed

In darkness again

#4

Gehetztes Uhrwerk
Eilige Unruhe

Nicht gehaltener Schlaf

Daughter

Daughter

– Nicole Blackman


One day I’ll give birth to a tiny baby girl
and when she’s born she’ll scream and I’ll make sure
she never stops.

I will kiss her before I lay her down
and will tell her a story so she knows
how it is and how it must be for her to survive.

I’ll tell her about the power of water
the seduction of paper
the promise of gasoline
and the hope of blood.

I’ll teach her to shave her eyebrows and
mark her skin.
I’ll teach her that her body is
her greatest work of art.

I’ll tell her to light things on fire
and keep them burning.

I’ll teach her that the fire will not consume her,
that she must take it and use it.

I’ll tell her to be tri-sexual, to try anything,
to sleep with, fight with, pray with anyone,
just as long as she feels something.

I’ll help her do her best work when it rains.
I’ll tell her to reinvent herself every 28 days.

I’ll teach her to develop all of her selves,
the courageous ones,
the smart ones,
the dreaming ones,
the fast ones.
I’ll teach her that she has an army inside her
that can save her life.

I’ll tell her to say Fuck like other people say The
and when people are shocked
to ask them why they so fear a small quartet
of letters.

I’ll make sure she always carries a pen
so she can take down the evidence.
If she has no paper, I’ll teach her to
write everything down on her tongue,
write it on her thighs.

I’ll help her see that she will not find God
or salvation in a dark brick building
built by dead men.

I’ll explain to her that it’s better to regret the things
she has done than the things she hasn’t.

I’ll teach her to write her manifestos
on cocktail napkins.

I’ll say she should make men lick her enterprise.
I’ll teach her to talk hard.
I’ll tell her that her skin is the
most beautiful dress she will ever wear.

I’ll tell her that people must earn the right
to use her nickname,
that forced intimacy is an ugly thing.

I’ll make her understand that she is worth more
with her clothes on.

I’ll tell her that when the words finally flow too fast
and she has no use for a pen
that she must quit her job
run out of the house in her bathrobe,
leaving the door open.
I’ll teach her to follow the words.

I’ll tell her to stand up
and head for the door
after she makes love.
When he asks her to
stay she’ll say
she’s got to
go.

I’ll tell her that when she first bleeds
when she is a woman,
to go up to the roof at midnight,
reach her hands up to the sky and scream.

I’ll teach her to be whole, to be holy,
to be so much that she doesn’t even
need me anymore.

I’ll tell her to go quickly and never come back.
I will make her stronger than me.

I’ll say to her never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.

Never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.

Never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.

#3

frei Gedanken
Ein riesiges Feld voller kleiner Glühwürmchen.
Lautlos, glimmend, schwebend.

Hellhounds

Und ich frage mich was aus der Person geworden ist, mit der ich die Diskussion hatte aus der Dieser Post stammt:
I guessed.
That's why I continue to answer.
Though i don't think your comparison is true for everyone.
Humans can be quite different. Everyone is different.

I am trying to explain my view a last time.
Try it not to see it as the usual phrases you've heart too often.
...I've heart too often.
I see why my first comments looked like these and I apologize.

___
We have this huge list of tiresome aspects who pull one under mercyless.
Vast thicket; thick dark grey numbing fog. Hindering you to breathe, to see, let alone anything else.
A pile of rubble burying you. Weight of a ton.

Yet some of the stones vary in sizes.
Depends a lot on the personal experiences.
Pick the smallest.
Maybe beeing tired of pretending.
Would it really make things worse if you try to stop pretending?
Tired of beeing alone.
Is there really no one? No one to ask to just sit there and listen without saying anything?
I have this very good friend of mine who texts me when the depression is even stronger than her soziophobia to come over and talk about uninportant things.
Some people more who happily enter a chitchat if I start it.
Maybe there is a therapy or doctor you haven't tried yet.

This still is NOT to tell you what to do, but to give examples. You can find better ways, your own ways. Find inspiration not advices.
(I guess that's right what you are doing here on this page :) )


It will not change your depression, but might give you a little glimpse of light to remind you what you once lived for; what you want to live for in the future.

It's to save little ounces of energy for when you need it the most.
To stop the vicious circle of beeing to powerless to change things who rob your power.

I know a lot of people deep down in their own pits.
They are the strongest fighters I've every seen.
Violently, ferociously, mercylessly fighting

....themselves.


You know... Those Monsters
-the what ifs the whys, their difference, their memories, their wishes, their dreams-
those immortal things who crush the biggest strongholds you built
....they are quite handsome allies if you eventually made peace with them.
Protecting you like a pack of loyal hellhounds.

#2

Das Programm des Abends: Kopfrauschen

Ich sollte mich mal wieder neu finden.
Erfinden, umfinden, einfinden, empfinden.
Heraus und hereinfinden, anfinden,
aber bloß nicht abfinden.

Worte finden.
Orte finden.
Freunde finden.
Liebe finden.